Trauma Anniversaries, Flashbacks, and Choice

This week marks the 12-year anniversary of one of the most pivotal nights of my life, a night when my abuser snapped and showed me, without words, that it was time to make a real decision: stay… or leave.

Trauma anniversaries have a way of sneaking up on us. Even when we think we’ve healed, our bodies remember. The flashbacks come back strong this time of year. My nervous system takes me right back into those moments my body stored so deeply.

Thanks, nervous system— “the body keeps the score,” right? (Had a throw a laugh in there.)

If you live with trauma or PTSD, you know how powerful these moments can be. One memory can pull you under. One thought can spiral into a full-body experience. It can feel like you’re reliving it all over again—not because you want to, but because your body hasn’t forgotten how to protect you.

But this year was different.

This year, I remembered something incredibly important:

I had a choice.

I had a choice to sit inside all the pain, fear, and racing thoughts from that night…Or I had a choice to sit back and reflect on how far I’ve come—and how I wanted to feel now.

And honestly?

I’m done feeling that pain.

That night, I made the decision to leave—but I didn’t run blindly. I took my time. I got my ducks in a row. I planned quietly. I gathered what I needed emotionally, physically, and mentally. I chose safety with intention.

And by the end of that month, I was gone.

That decision—one of the hardest I’ve ever made—changed everything.

From that moment forward, I began to learn what healthy actually looked like. In relationships. In boundaries. In emotional safety. In how I wanted my nervous system to feel. In what I would never tolerate again.

That pain taught me clarity. That fear taught me boundaries. That night taught me self-respect.

And now here I am, 12 years later…

Instead of driving around in fear and survival mode, instead of feeling trapped in a traumatized mindset,

I’m curled up on the couch next to an amazing man. After a two-hour massage. In a home where my body finally knows what safety feels like.

And that—that—is everything to me.

Learning the difference between healthy and unhealthy, between fear and safety, between survival and peace has been top-tier life work. It’s not just something I lived through—it’s something I now share with my clients every day.

Because healing isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about choosing what the past means now. It’s about choosing who you become because of it.

Tonight, I don’t grieve the girl who was trapped. I honor the woman who planned, prepared, and chose her freedom. And I celebrate the life that choice created.

And that… is the power of choice.

May you always know you have a CHOICE. ❤️🦋

Closing Affirmation: 

“I honor who I was, I respect who I am, and I trust where I am going.”