Understanding the Many Forms of Abuse: Recognizing the Signs and Finding Help

Christina Pavella
Oct 9
5 min read

As October is the month to recognize and bring light to Domestic Violence, I felt it appropriate to provide some knowledge I learned and advice from my personal experience to the table.

First off, abuse is not limited to just physical harm.... it can take many shapes and forms, often hidden in plain sight. Recognizing the different forms of abuse is critical for protecting ourselves and others, as well as for breaking free from harmful and toxic cycles. One powerful tool I was presented over 12 years ago from my therapist at the time, was a picture of the “Power and Control Wheel”. It was developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, which illustrates how abuse goes beyond violence and includes manipulation, intimidation, and control.

The Abuse Wheel: Power and Control

At the core of every type of abuse is a need for power and control. When I looked at that for the first time it was like a light bulb clicking on for the first time. Power and Control was what my abuser wanted (sadly) in our relationship and used almost all pie pieces plus more to try to gain in instead of realizing there should be no power or control in a relationship. Relationships are meant for a mutual respecting space. Even though I didn't like how that made me feel I appreciated seeing the truth. No gaslighting with it but the bold written truth and gave me the motivation to want to make a change for myself and kids. Always remember you HAVE THE CHOICE to make decisions that you feel is best for you in how you are treated and how you want to navigate your life. And I say that as a survivor. I was made to feel I don't have a choice, that they knew what was best, but its not up to others...it is up to YOU and you are ALLOWED to say NO! Your safety physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially matters.

The abuse wheel highlights tactics like:

Intimidation
Emotional abuse
Isolation
Minimizing, denying, and blaming
Using children
Using privilege (gender, social, financial)
Economic abuse
Coercion and threats

This wheel illustrates that abuse extends beyond physical harm, (read the Silent Struggle: Mental and Emotional Abuse blog on my page) it's about one person trying to exert control over another. I can't tell you how many people say well "they didn't hit you; it must not have been that bad". First of all, YUCK! and secondly, boy are they wrong. They have no clue how hard it is to rewire your brain after being threatened, emotional abused, minimized. And I may speak for myself, but I would have had a broken bone then a broken brain to try to heal. I'm still in the process of healing. But I am loving when a healing spot takes place.

So, after examining what the Power and Control Wheel indicate, let's explore examples of the Different Forms of Abuse individuals might encounter. It's important to note that abuse is not limited by gender or type of relationship; even friendships can be abusive.

Different Forms of Abuse with some examples:

Physical Abuse

Hitting, slapping, choking, or using physical force.

Shoving, restraining, refusing you to move.

Denying medical care or forcing drug/alcohol use.

Verbal/Emotional Abuse

Insults, humiliation, or constant criticism.

Gaslighting: making someone doubt their reality or sanity.

Isolation: cutting someone off from friends, family, or support systems.

Psychological Abuse

Threatening harm to a partner, children, pets, or self.

Destroying personal property.

Using intimidation and fear to control.

Financial Abuse

Controlling all money and financial decisions.

Withholding access to accounts, credit, or employment.

Forcing dependence by limiting economic freedom.

Sexual Abuse

Any non-consensual sexual contact.

Using coercion, manipulation, or threats to force intimacy.

Dismissing boundaries or using sex as control.

Cultural or Spiritual Abuse

Using religion or cultural values to shame, control, or isolate.

Preventing someone from practicing their faith.

Exploiting cultural identity for manipulation.

Digital Abuse (This is a new form that is starting to creep up)

Monitoring phone calls, texts, or social media.

Demanding passwords or tracking locations.

Harassment through technology.

I know that seeing this list of forms of abuse may be hard to digest, they did for me as well when I first saw them for the first time my therapist handed me it 12 years ago when I couldn't make why I was doing all the things the best I could, but he wasn't changing. He wasn't changing cause he didn't see an issue with acting that way. It didn't matter how "good behavior" I was, how he responded was a huge wound that the only way he knew was to be unhealthy and abusive. So, I had to make the choice. I had to make the choice that I no longer wanted to be loved like that. Love should make you feel safe at the end of the day and if that's not a foundation of your relationship that as my personal advice to you, "GET OUT"! It's not worth it. No one wins when staying in a space like that. We all deserve to be in a healthy, safe space. Next, helps give you some signs that you may be in an abusive relationship.

Signs You May Be in an Abusive Relationship

There are several signs that may indicate you are in an abusive relationship. You might feel fearful of your partner most of the time, leading you to avoid certain topics to prevent conflict. The term "walking on eggshells" comes to mind when we do this type of avoidance. This fear can significantly impact your self-esteem and confidence, which may become noticeably lower as a result. Man at the end of my abusive relationship I couldn't even look myself in the mirror, I truly hated me and anything I did. That was the lowest of the lows. The hardest space to move out of when you have been talked down, controlled and manipulated for years.

Additionally, you may feel isolated from friends, family, or support networks, making it difficult to seek help. They know exactly how to separate you from those you care about. Mine made me feel he was the only one who knew best for me and everyone else didn't care. And boy, did I believe him so then at the time it was truly time to go I had just my immediate family willing to help and understand, the rest were out of my life for months by then. Because when you are isolated, you don't have someone in your ear telling you that that behavior isn't right. They can get away with their behavior because no one is there to correct it or stand up for you.

Furthermore, if your partner controls decisions, finances, or social interactions, it can be a clear sign of an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship.

So, like I said before, Do Your BEST to GET OUT!

How to Get Out and Get Help

Acknowledge the Abuse: Naming it is the first step toward freedom.
Create a Safety Plan: Identify safe places to go, pack essentials, and have emergency numbers available.
Reach Out for Support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a counselor.
Contact Professional Resources: Domestic violence hotlines and local shelters can provide immediate help.
Build Independence: If financial abuse is present, look for ways to regain economic freedom.
Seek Counseling or Support Groups: Healing takes time, but with help, recovery is possible.

Final Thoughts

Abuse is never acceptable, in any form. If you see yourself in these patterns, know that you are not alone, and help is available. Recognizing the signs is the first step toward breaking free from cycles of control and reclaiming your life. And I am proud of you if have recognized, realize and make choices to grow from this. We all deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship that honors each other.

📌 If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call emergency services. For confidential help, you can reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or explore local resources in your community.